My Aching Feet

I remember being able to walk really well in high heels when I was a teen & in my twenties.  Like Carrie Bradshaw I could effortlessly jog jauntily down the street in heels.

(not for no reason, if say, I was catching a cab, running across the street or dancing at a wedding or something).  A month ago I got these sort of platform heels that you see everywhere these days.

I think they’re pretty and are good for cooler months when you want to wear heels but not strappy ones.

I wore them to a party this weekend in San Francisco and got compliments on them immediately- in the hotel elevator, the lobby, on the street and at the party— even in the bathroom at the party. 

But the compliments fell on deaf feet…  I could hardly walk in the shoes. 

It was Chinese New Year in San Fran making it impossible for a cab to take us to our destination. Cut to me hobbling around the steep hills of San Francisco barely able to walk AT ALL. I really looked like a woman who’se feet were recently bound and was painfully putting one foot in front of another with a horrible whincing expression on my face.   I looked like a strange circus act of a woman trying to maintain her youth but really resembling someone walking badly on stilts.  I probably also looked like a prostitute. But only from the ankle down. At  least the shoes weren’t lucite. Oh, and it was Raining. 

(Incedentally, I learned recently that foot binding wasn’t about making a foot look just smaller, it was about completely deforming and FOLDING the foot to make it look like a “Lily” or… Vagina)  Seriously. (In ancient Chinese sex manuals, the fold between the ball and heel of the foot was the preferred site for intercourse. Whether the women got a thing out of the whole act was less than unimportant. Foot binding was designed to literally keep women in their place. Regarded as property, they couldn’t walk more than a few steps with out someone to support them. This guaranteed they weren’t going to get anywhere unless they were willing to crawl.)

Anyway back to 2011, me at the Chinese New Year Parade.

With my feet unreasonably arched, my toes stuffed into the front of the shoe and blood filling the veins I eventually made it to the party. I said to myself, aloud, “I guess I’m at the age when women start to wear flats to nice events. Or maybe even orthopedic shoes.”  Steve chose to ignore this comment.

When I got to the party I was immediately complimented on my shoes. “Thanks,” I said, “But I am in excruciating pain.” 
"Oh, that’s too bad" the woman said. I noticed she was wearing flats.
I ended up taking my shoes off and hiding my purple swollen feet under a table at the party.

I was given some of those “Shape Ups” shoes at an event for free last year. I adore them and wear them all the time. The are ridiculous looking. They look like those white thick shoes people with uneven legs wear or like orthopedic nurses shoes but worse.  The shoes scream “Even though these are ‘exercise shoes’ I have really given up on youth in any way.”   It’s like wearing a sign that says, “I am over the hill”

The shoes are supposed to lift your butt and flatten the abs. I need help in both of these areas as i suffer from what many post-pregnant women suffer from: The flat butt.  If only I could lift my butt a little I’d be so happy. 
But the real reason I wear these ugly shoes is that they are sooo comfortable. It’s like walking on bouncy clouds. At the end of the day I feel refreshed and balanced and never sore. 

It’s symbolic of my life that I didn’t think to buy something in between sky scraper high hooker “F-me” pumps and staypuff marshmallow man “Don’t F-me” Shape Ups. 
I guess I need to figure that out.

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  1. talesofarealhollywoodmom posted this